Hanging By A Moment
by McDreamOn08
Summary: Moments can change our lives; time is at the essence of our response. MerDer. This is Mer POV. Read before sequel "Blink" otherwise there will be details not understood!
1. Just an ordinary day

In Medical School they teach us a lot of things

In Medical School they teach us a lot of things...how to diagnose a perforated artery as opposed to a perforated aorta; the likelihood survival of a 55 year old male suffering a severe case of gallstones with cancer of the stomach lining. But nowhere in the books is there a guideline on how to have a life while being a surgeon or where the life of leisure fits into the "cut, cure and suture" method. But then, had they said "don't sleep with an attending on the night before your first day as an intern" I'm not sure I would have listened.

The alarm clock went off; I rolled over and took a deep breath, 4:30am. It was nothing unusual, it's not like the past twelve months as an intern have not made me accustomed to the early starts and the long hours. As a resident, however, it would be nice to feel like those twelve months as an intern have earned me at least one sleep in. I rolled over and smiled, trying my hardest not to wake him, I crawled out of bed as lightly as I could, but not a moment too soon Izzie burst through the door.

"Oh my god Mer, have you got a spare undershirt?"

I looked at her and sternly pressed my finger to my lips, pointing with the other finger at Derek who was now, inevitably awake.

"Oooh, that's right, McDreamy lives here now..." Izzie laughed to herself as she snatched up my ironed, set out undershirt which I had every intention of wearing today.

"Iz..." I called after her.

"You've got plenty!" Izzie responded from halfway down the hall.

I sighed and turned to look at Derek, all in all, he looked as though he'd had around about 3 hours sleep following a split 30 hour shift the previous day.

"I thought it was McSteamy..." he chuckled.

I laughed, leaned down and kissed him.

"You wish..."

"Or is it...McSexy?" Derek stirred and I knew that this was only going to amuse me more; distract me to a point where I know how hard it will be to get out of bed. He put his hands around my waist and leaned up to rest his chin on my shoulder where I could feel his lips gently touching my skin, ever so lightly and pulling me down to the bed ever so slowly that I knew an extra ten minutes wouldn't make much of a difference...

...Correction...an extra half an hour.

"Oh my god I am so late!" I raced around desperately trying to find clothes, a bra...which had to be replaced with a singlet, and an undershirt. "God! Why did Izzie need my shirt today?"

Derek sat there on the edge of the bed, only a sheet wrapped around his waist, looking ever so sexy and dreamy that I knew one more look at him would make me lose my mind.

"You know, you are so amazingly adorable when you're frantic." He said smiling.

"Derek! I have interns...clueless interns who will be waiting for me, a boss in my bed and..." I just remembered something else. "...And I have no shoes!"

"Mer!" Izzie called. "Come on Tinkerbelle you and McDreamy can have McSex later, we have to go!"

"I need shoes Iz!" I called back to her, utterly embarrassed by my new nickname, strangely amused by her use of the "Mc's" and really struggling to find my shoes.

"Meredith, we are leaving!" Alex yelled from the kitchen.

"We're taking your car for a joy ride!" Izzie added.

I turned and saw the last resort for a pair of shoes, my new designer ballet flats; I raced over slipped them on, dashed back to kiss Derek and ran to the door.

Izzie stared at my shoes.

"Nice shoes..." she commented.

"Izzie, right now, no comment!" I told her.

5am at Seattle Grace on a Saturday morning is never easy, over night emergencies of people coming in from bars with fractured skulls and bottles smashed in their face. I took a look around at the chaos; reminding me that this is what I am here for, this is my life.

"Dr. Grey?"

I turned around and faced Dr. Bailey.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?"

Bailey looked at me intently, she could see I'd had next to no sleep, her face travelled down; staring at my creased uniform and her gaze fell to my brightly coloured shoes.

"Dr. Grey, if you and Dr. Shepherd are going to continue these sleepovers at your house, I suggest you prepare yourself a little better when you come to work for me." Bailey said with her normal sarcastic and stern tone.

I nodded.

"Now, if you don't mind, there is a patient in trauma 2 complaining of a headache due to the beer bottle that was smashed into the back of his skull, I need you to assess any broken glass fragments that may still be in his hair and then I would like you to work in the clinic today, take your interns and I would also like you to take the other Dr. Grey from Yang."

I froze.

"I...uh...you want me to take Lexie to the clinic?"

"Yes, I do," Bailey answered folding her arms. "Now, do you have a problem with that or would you indeed prefer to go and see if the patient in trauma 1 is suffering from a bowel obstruction?"

At that moment, staring up some guys butt would have been my best option, but at the risk of being tortured by Bailey all day, I chose my sister.

I turned and looked at my interns.

"Okay, so let's go on our rounds people and then we will head to the clinic." I said.

Just at that moment, Cristina walked past me.

"Cristina!"

She turned and looked at my shoes as her first point of interest.

I snapped my fingers.

"Cristina, my face, up here!" I directed her vision to my face. "Now, can you please tell Bailey that you need Lexie and there is no way I can take her..."

Cristina laughed.

"Actually, I don't need her..." she turned to Lexie. "Three!"

Lexie turned and looked at me with a hopeful smile

"You'll be working with Dr. Grey in the clinic today, now off you go!"

A few hours, seven suture wounds, four code blues and two DOA's later, I wasn't feeling so great, I knew it was coffee time. I walked into the lounge and came face to face with Derek.

"Hi," I said with a smile that looked less than convincing.

"Hey," he said. "You okay?" I could tell I hadn't convinced him.

"Yeah, yeah, just a little off..." I said.

For a second I saw my vision blur and I felt a little faint.

"Meredith?" Derek grabbed my arm.

I stabled myself.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." I took a sip of my coffee just as my pager went off. "It's Bailey,"

Moments later I was in OR1, I had to scrub in on a very simple aneurysm clipping; I had my interns minus Lexie and Derek was operating.

"Okay Dr. Grey, can you please hold the clamp for me..." Derek looked at me with concern as my response was less than what he anticipated. "Dr. Grey..._Dr. Grey_!"

I dropped the clamp and fell to the ground.


	2. Damsel in whatever

"Page Bailey

"Page Bailey!" Derek shouted. "Meredith, I can't get to you right now, so you need to keep talking to me!"

"Derek... "I whispered. "I..."

"Meredith, just keep talking!" Derek told me desperately. "Mer! Stay with me! I need you to stay with me okay,"

"Derek...I can't..." I couldn't begin to describe how I was feeling. "I feel like something is really...wrong..."

It wasn't before long I found myself passed out.

There are some moments in life where you feel like your life is going in the right direction, and then it stops. You pass out, or you just stop thinking; either way life just stops.

But when you wake up or you start thinking again, that's when life begins again, that's when reality sets in.

I rolled over and faced Derek; my eyes were slowly adjusting to the light setting and the place I was in.

"W...What?" I was scared to hear my voice so hoarse; I could hardly breathe with the tubes in my nose. "What happened?"

"You collapsed," Derek said. "I'm going to run some tests to see why..."

I felt a little scared.

"Tests?" I gasped.

Derek came in close and kissed my forehead and stroked my cheek so gentle I felt my eyes fluttering shut.

"Hey," he said. "I love you; I will never let anything happen to you,"

I nodded and closed my eyes.

"I...I love..." I felt myself starting to black out again.

"Mer?" Derek grabbed my hand. "Meredith? She's crashing! Someone get a crash cart!"

It probably wasn't the best time for Lexie to walk in.

"Meredith?" she cried. "Dr. Shepherd what's wrong?"

"She collapsed in an OR, Lexie, get me a crash cart!" Derek shouted.

Bailey ran in.

"Shepherd, I need you to get out of here!" she said.

"Bailey, I can't, I need to stay with her!" Derek exclaimed.

"Shepherd, out!" Bailey shouted. "Shock her with 300! Clear!" my pulse increased slightly and Bailey looked concerned but slightly relieved. "Okay, her pulse is back up, but keep an eye on her,"

It seemed only moments later I woke up again, this time; I shot up taking a deep gasp of air.

"Oh my god!" I gasped. "Where's Derek?"

"I'm right here," Derek came back in and rushed to hold my hand. "I'll never leave you..." he pulled me close and held me so tightly.

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, I hate crying...more than I hate needing him.

"Please..." I whispered tearily. "Please stay with me..."

I can't believe how hard it is to just break away, avoid any emotional distractions that cause our work to become the back peddle of our lives. But right then and there, right now, all we can do is slam on the break, use our back peddle and manage to forget everything that ever happened.

That night I was stuck in a hospital bed, tubes in my arms, on my neck, even in my head. Derek came in and smiled.

"Good news," he said. "It's nothing to do with your brain."

I took a sigh of relief.

"There's a but coming though isn't there?" I asked.

"Well, I'm still worried as to why you passed out so many times so, I'm going to find the source..." he told me, ever so reassuringly. "I promise,"

I nodded and rested my head in his chest.

"I need to tell you something..." I whispered.

"What?" he asked,

"I love you," I said in his ear. "I _really_, really love you,"

It's moments like this, we don't mind stopping, because these are the defining moments, the ones we want to remember, so much so, as a surgeon our lives get so busy we tend to forget simple things; monthly occurrences seem meaningless. At this point in time however, we choose to remember.

It was later that night that I realised something that terrified me, something even scarier than heart ruptures or neurological matters. So I did the most rational thing possible, I paged Cristina. She came rushing in, her face looking white as a ghost.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I think I could be pregnant..." I answered.

While adjusting to the shocked and terrified look on Cristina's face, I found myself being wheeled into the ultrasound procedure room. Cristina looked at the nurse and gave her a stern order.

"Dr. Grey is requiring an immediate ultrasound, I am going to page Dr. Bailey, if a word of this leaks I will have your ass and your career on the table with a scalpel in my hand."

The nurse nodded as I had a slight chuckle to myself.

Moments later Bailey rushed in.

"Okay Dr. Grey, let's see what we have shall we."

Bailey turned on the ultrasound monitor and rubbed a camera over my abdomen, it was uncomfortable and awkward.

"I suppose you're going to have me as toast now?" I asked Bailey, a little fearful of what she would say next.

"No Grey, I am just a little concern for your health now, and by the looks of it, the health of your baby," Bailey stared intently at the monitor.

"My what?" I took a deep breath. "But...I mean...Oh god..." I lied back and took quick shallow breaths. I suffer from acute panic attacks when I am stressed.

"Looks as though you and McDreamy are now including a McBaby," Bailey said. "I would say you are around 9 or so weeks."

"Can you please get Cristina...?" I said very quietly.

"Are you sure I can't get you Shepherd, he is probably wondering where you are by now," Bailey suggested.

"No, no, I want Cristina please," I answered quickly.

As it was, Derek was completely beside himself with worry; he paced the halls looking for an answer and then came face to face with Cristina who was answering her page from Bailey.

"Yang!" he called.

Cristina turned around.

"Dr. Shepherd,"

"Where is she?" Cristina couldn't believe the transparent nature of Derek's complexion, I remember her telling me that he was so white she thought he'd pass out.

"I...I am just going to check on her, she's just having a scan..." Cristina responded.

"CT? MRI? I already took care of that," Derek told her.

"No, no...Just a...um..." Cristina's pager beeped again. "I got to go,"

Derek wasn't about to wait for Cristina's answers, he simply followed her, so much so he walked in on Bailey examining me, my legs in the stirrups exposed and all.

"Oh...I...uh..." Derek nearly fainted from the shock.

"Derek!" I gasped.

"Okay, so what do we have here?" Derek tried to ignore the fact that I was completely exposed and came over to see what was on the monitor. "Oh..." he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Derek..." I started. "That is..."

"Is that what I think it is?" Derek asked, a little apprehensive.

"That would be a baby..." I answered.

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and while I had tried my best to fight being a damsel in whatever, I was falling for the knight in shining whatever...I can't believe this is happening.


	3. A difficult patient

It wasn't before too long I found myself back in the room, staring at a blank wall; thinking; wondering and wishing

It wasn't before too long I found myself back in the room, staring at a blank wall; thinking; wondering and wishing.

Derek came in, he was on a break, and he then passed me a coffee.

"It's decaf,"

I looked at him; I was desperate to know what he was thinking.

"I just uh...came to bring you this, but I have to go back..." he said with a deep sigh.

I tried my best to make him smile.

"So, can I meet you in the _on call_ room later?" I asked.

Derek managed a smile.

"Let's just wait and see hey," he kissed my forehead. "I'll come check your vitals later,"

After Derek left, Izzie and George both arrived, George had a beautiful bunch of flowers and Izzie had a rather worn in and tattered stuffed animal.

"Hey," I said to them. "Oh George they're beautiful,"

Izzie held up the vermin building stuffed bear and passed it to me.

I held it by its ear.

"Hmmm, um, thanks Iz,"

Izzie laughed.

"Well he was mine, I have had him since like, forever, anyways, he always makes me feel better," Izzie explained. "And well his furry back is quite comforting,"

I laughed.

"Thanks Iz, but really if I need a furry back, I do have Derek," I joked. "But he is lovely,"

Izzie smiled.

"So do they know why you keep passing out?" George asked. "Has Shepherd run any tests yet? Is it neuro or cardio?"

"I, uh, they think it may be a flu of some sort, I should be discharged tonight," I answered, at this stage I wasn't quite ready to tell them.

Izzie and George looked quite satisfied with my response and then took the liberty of filing for my discharge papers after they both gave me an exam. On my way out of the room to my locker, I came face to face with the chief.

"Chief!" I was not counting on running into him.

"Meredith, I want you to take the week off, now while I understand the confidential nature of your file, on the other hand, when a resident's health is in danger..."

"Chief, I'm fine; I can come back tomorrow..." I started.

"And when she jeopardises the health of her child, I have no choice but to make this an order...If I see you back here before next Friday, I will have no choice but to remove you from this program." The Chief told me sternly. "Now Grey, don't think I won't because I will."

I nodded.

"Okay," I turned and started walking to the door where I ran into Derek again.

"Should you be out of bed?" he asked.

"Iz and George gave me a check over, my neuro stats are up as are my cardio stats, not only that, Bailey has informed me that..." I put my hand on my belly. "Everything else is fine,"

Derek put his hand on mine.

"The Chief, however, has also informed me that I am to take a week off otherwise I will be removed from the program," I scowled.

"Come on, I'll take you home, Izzie or Alex can drive your car home." Derek told me.

I smiled.

"Can I stay at your place?" I asked.

"Mer, you don't want to hang around in a trailer all day, there's no TV or email or anything," Derek answered.

"But it smells like you," I told him, not baring the thought of being alone in a big old house.

"Okay," Derek answered.

Derek's trailer was always a place for me to vacate my mind, even just being alone there made me feel warm and cosy. We got inside and Derek propped up a couple of pillows for me to lie down on the bed. I sat on the bed and wrapped my arms around him so he couldn't move.

"Don't go," I told him.

Derek leaned in to smell my hair.

"But the chief..."

I jokingly put my hand to my forehead.

"I feel feverish," I laughed.

"I guess I should take your temperature," Derek leaned in closer. "I guess that could take, oh ten minutes..."

"I'm a difficult patient..." I told him with a giggle.

"And I should give you a complete exam before I go," Derek whispered. "I do have to find my tools though,"

"You don't have any tools," I giggled.

"Have you ever tried to look for nonexistent tools? It could take oh, twenty minutes," Derek told me. "How many minutes now?"

"Ummm, thirty," I answered.

"Okay, and then I should make you a coffee and something to eat, see that you go to sleep and everything, so in total, I have an hour to spend with you," Derek stated. He started to unbutton my shirt, "Now for that temperature check,"

He pulled me under the covers as I giggled hysterically.

Twenty minutes later, I felt as though my temperature had soared through the roof.

"Dr. Shepherd you are too good," I laughed rolling over to kiss him.

"Glad to hear it Dr. Grey," Derek answered.

Derek got up out of bed and put the kettle on, opened the cupboard and started making me a peanut butter sandwich.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Know what?"

"That it was my favourite," I answered.

Derek laughed.

"Because no woman who still carries a stuffed animal in their bag can resist a good PB sandwich." He replied. "And they also happen to be my favourite,"

We sat down and ate lunch and as promised, Derek sat next to me on the bed and ran his hand down my cheek as I fell asleep.

"I'll be back soon," he promised. "Page me if you need me,"

I quickly pressed the speed dial on my pager while he stood in front of me and let his pager go off.

"Mer," he said. "I can't, I'm sorry," he leaned down and gave me a gentle kiss. "I'll be back as soon as I can get off work, believe me, no one wants to be in that _on call_ room with you right now more than I do, so I'll try and get off before dinner,"

"Okay," I sighed. "Oh and just for the record, the bear is Izzie's!" I laughed.

Derek shook his head.

"Sure it is." He answered with a chuckle.

I lied around on the bed while Derek was at work, nothing to do; I was absolutely bored out of my brain. So thinking was my next option, in fact I found that my brain went into overdrive while I was not at the hospital.

How was I to know...motherhood? I think it's one of those things in life that surgery can never teach us. In medical school if you failed an exam, you could always retake the course; you fail as an intern, you retake the program, but how do you put yourself in a situation to fail as a mother, when really and honestly, failure is not an option.

I started feeling awful, what had I gotten myself into? I was in way over my head, how could I ever possibly be a good mother?

I started to cry; I was alone and I was scared, so I went into the bathroom and grabbed one of Derek's shirts from the wash basket, held it to my face because every inch of it smelt like him. I slipped it over my head and put it on; after that I grabbed another shirt of Derek's and carried it over to the bed. I lied back down and closed my eyes; tears still streaming down my cheeks. I buried my head under the covers and cried quietly into Derek's shirt and found myself falling asleep.

Derek arrived home around nine; I was still asleep, he started cooking some dinner and I awoke to the smell. I don't know what it was, but Derek must have known I had been crying because he came over and ran his finger under my eye.

"Hey, are you okay?" he leaned in and kissed my cheek.

I shook my head.

"I'm going to be a bad mom," I sighed.

Derek touched my cheek.

"No you won't," he answered. He looked down and saw his shirts. "How come you're wearing my shirt?" he smiled.

"It smelt like you," I told him. "I was sad, I wanted you and this was as close as it came to you, seeing as though the chief would kick my ass if I came within 50 yards of the hospital,"

"Hungry?" he asked.

I nodded.

"I made you some pasta," Derek went over to the bench and picked up a bowl of pasta. "I want you to eat all of this please so you can then concentrate all your energy on some well overdue sex,"

I laughed and pulled him down onto the bed.

"I'm not so hungry now," I whispered.

"You are such a terrible patient," Derek told me in between kisses.

"But..." I kissed him deeply. "I need my medicine,"

Just as Derek slipped his hand around my waist, his pager beeped.

"What?" he groaned.

"It's okay, you should go," I told him.

Derek left and I fell asleep. I didn't wake until early the next morning; I rolled over and found Derek fast asleep next to me. I lied there staring at him, the clock read 4:37 am, and even though I knew he still had a few more hours before he had to get up, I so desperately wanted to wake him. Instead, I got out of bed and went into the shower. As I got out of the shower I felt my whole abdomen cramping with the most agonising pain imaginable. I looked down and saw a blood stain forming on my towel; I tried my best to move out of the bathroom to get to Derek, I came as far as the door and began to cry.

"Derek!" I sobbed as I fell to the ground.

Derek rolled over and saw me. He shot up out of bed and tried his best to dress me as he called an ambulance. Everything began acting in slow motion.

"Derek..." I was in so much pain that I could only muster a hoarse whisper. "...the baby, Derek..."

The pain intensified so much that it became unbearable, from then on, I blacked out.

"Meredith!" Derek was trying to keep me awake whilst trying to suppress the blood loss. "I need you to stay with me Mer, stay awake!" he was stroking my face.


	4. Anticipation of the result

The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital

The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital. I looked around, there were flowers and cards everywhere; and sitting right next to my head was Izzie's bear. I then focused on the side of my bed where Derek was lying with his head on one of my hands. I reached over and ran my hand through his thick hair.

As doctors, we are used to situations where things go drastically wrong; there are symptoms that are easily recognised, things we know about but the patients don't. It's these classic symptoms that scare us, and when doctors become the patient, a lot of the time we can immediately anticipate the diagnosis; I knew exactly what had happened.

Derek woke up and felt my hand in his hair. He looked up and tears glistened in his eyes.

"Thank god..." he whispered. He looked at me with deep sadness. It completely confirmed what I expected to hear.

"I lost the baby...didn't I...?" I sighed.

Derek nodded.

"You were further along than they first thought; you were 3 months..." he said. "We lost her..."

I almost choked on my tears.

"_Her_?"

Derek nodded.

"It was a little girl," he told me.

I started to cry, my tears were turning into sobs and I broke down.

"Oh god..." I cried.

Derek sat with me on the bed and held me tightly as my tears flowed. As I looked up I saw Lexie standing there.

"Lex..." I sobbed.

She rushed over and hugged me tightly. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a sister, I felt like she really was my sister and all of the things that I once thought about her disappeared into a moment where she became my rock.

"I'm sorry...Lexie I'm so sorry!" I cried.

Lexie looked right at me.

"You are my big sister," she told me. "I love you, and I'm here for you, so you don't need to say anything Mer, because I am your sister, and that is all that matters,"

I looked at Derek and Lexie feeling so loved; I don't remember ever feeling like that in my life and I came to the conclusion that, as surgeons we are trained to act bravely when bad things happen, but we can never anticipate what to do when the bad things happen to us. On the other hand, sometimes we are training ourselves to be better people for the bad things that happen to us.

A few hours later, Derek came in; he was dressed in normal clothes.

"Where are your scrubs?" I asked.

"The chief gave me the day off," Derek answered. He pulled a big bag out from behind his back. It looked really full and I looked on curiously when Derek revealed the contents. "Okay, let's see what I have in the bag...I have _Scrabble_...I have chocolate, your iPod..."

"Thanks..." I sighed. "But I'm really not hungry..."

He put his hand to my cheek.

"I know," he said softly. "But Mer, you have to try and keep yourself occupied,"

I looked the other way.

"I don't want to talk about it..." I said.

"Okay," Derek answered. He got up. "I'm going to get a coffee, do you want one?"

I shook my head and Derek nodded in response.

When he left the room I got out of bed, it wasn't exactly the most comfortable feeling but I wasn't exactly happy about being stuck in a hospital room. I made it about as far as the ER desk until I ran into Izzie, followed by George, Cristina and Lexie.

"Oh...uh...I..." I was a little lost for words.

"Busted!" Cristina said firmly. "Does Shepherd know you are out of bed?"

I smiled sheepishly.

"I'm guessing not," Izzie said pulling up a wheelchair. "Get in!" she demanded.

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"No, you are not!" Lexie stepped in and gave me a very strong look. "As your sister I am demanding you get in that chair right now!"

"That's not fair, I'm older than you!" I said as I sat in the chair.

Lexie turned to the others and nodded.

"Stop getting out of bed!" Cristina warned. "I'll be back to check on you!"

Lexie pushed me back to my room where Derek was waiting.

"Oh, I see you've picked up a stray," he mused.

"I was just going to the bathroom," I lied.

"Coz the bathroom in your room is so far away," Derek said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes and climbed into bed.

"Ooh _Scrabble_...count me in at lunch Mer!" Lexie laughed, "Now stay in bed, Dr. Yang is coming back, and as her intern, I am warning you, you _so_ don't want to get on her bad side today, it is just _not_ a good day!"

I nodded.

"Thanks Lex," I said as she left the room. Derek stood there with his arms folded.

"Now, why did you get up out of bed, you could have ruptured!" he cried. "Meredith, I come in here and can't find you, I was beside myself! In the space of two minutes you managed to give me a heart attack and a stroke!"

I rolled over on my side and faced the wall again.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

Derek climbed up onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me.

"It's okay..." he said softly into my ear. "Everything is going to be just fine...you'll see,"

I rolled over and buried my head in his chest.

"Derek..." I sobbed.

Derek held me tightly and I felt a tear of his trickle onto my forehead.

"I love you," he whispered.

Sometimes we find tears to be the essence of weakness, but when you're lying there and you find tears coming from the one person you expect to be strong, you now know that they are not a sign of weakness but merely a sign of love, showing someone just how much you love them, knowing that for once you have something to lose.

A few hours later, I was starting to feel some severe pain, I wanted to cry again but for some reason I couldn't do it anymore; I was all out of tears. Derek had his eyes closed and I couldn't bear to wake him. Interrupting my thoughts, Izzie wandered in.

"Hey you," she said. "How's Henry?"

I looked confused. But then she picked up her bear and it made sense.

"Actually, my mom used to call him Smelly Horrible Henry," she laughed.

I laughed back.

"He's not horrible," I answered. "Maybe a little smelly, but not horrible,"

Izzie let a tear slip down her cheek.

"Why couldn't you tell me?" she asked.

"I was going to..." I sighed. "I just wanted to decide what I wanted to do,"

"Mer," Izzie said, "You can tell me anything,"

I nodded.

"I know Iz," I answered.

Izzie gave me another hug.

"It's okay," she said. "Everything will be fine,"


	5. Shopping

The next day I was home, unfortunately Derek insisted I stayed at my house

The next day I was home, unfortunately Derek insisted I stayed at my house. So that night I came down to the kitchen to find him cooking. I went up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"Hey," Derek leaned down to kiss me.

"I'm going to have a bath, you wanna come?" I asked him.

Derek smiled.

"I think I can manage that," he answered.

We went upstairs and into the bathroom, I closed the door behind me and turned around to kiss him. He slipped his hands around my waist and pulled my shirt up over my head where I stood in my bra. He ran his hands through my hair and kissed my neck, my face, my lips... I felt myself getting tangled in him, breathing heavily, wanting more of him each moment I came in close to him; he slowly pulled me into the bath tub where I felt as though I lost all sensibility.

Later that night I lied back down in bed, I was so ready to go back to work; but in light of the chief's threat to take me out of the program, I decided that tomorrow, I was going to go shopping.

"I'm going shopping tomorrow," I told Derek.

"Hmm..." he laughed. "Good luck with that,"

I rolled over and pinched him.

"Ow!" he cried. "What was that for?"

"I can go shopping!" I replied.

"You don't shop," Derek said with a smirk.

I looked at him and pressed the tip of my finger under his clavicle so hard that he winced in pain.

"Ow, ow, okay that really hurts!" Derek pushed my hand away and I slapped his arm.

"You are a smart ass, now I am going shopping, and if you had listened properly, you would have understood that I was going shopping for more things than just the clothes I wear around the house!" I told him with a frown on my face.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked leaning over me, inches from my face.

"I mean that this black bra may be replaced with something a little more new and a little more daring..." I laughed.

"Ooh, sounds good," he answered. "Well, I think you should go shopping,"

"Oh, so now that it benefits you it's no problem," I retorted. "Well, I'm going to sleep,"

I rolled over and closed my eyes.

"Goodnight Mer," Derek kissed my cheek.

"Mmm..." I murmured into my pillow.

For the first time in a while, I had woken myself up snoring, I opened my eyes and Derek was wide awake staring at me.

"That bad hey?" I asked.

Derek nodded.

"Fine," I got up out of bed and snatched my pillow.

"Mer, what are you doing?" Derek asked.

"I'm going to sleep in Izzie's bed..." I answered.

"Meredith!" Derek called after me, but I just slammed the door in his face.

I went into Izzie's room, she was awake and sitting up in bed reading.

"Can I sleep with you?" I asked.

Izzie moved over and pulled back the covers.

"Derek is whining about my snoring, so I thought I'd teach him a lesson," I told her.

"So in the meantime, you thought you would put me through the Texas Chainsaw Massacre?"

I looked at her with a pout.

"It's okay, I don't mind," Izzie sighed.

"I'm going to go shopping in the morning," I told her.

"You? Shopping?" Izzie laughed.

I looked at her and wondered why no one would take me seriously.

"Yes me, and do you know why?"

Izzie shook her head.

"Because I am perfectly capable of leading a normal life!"

"I have no doubt about it Mer, but it's just well..." Izzie started,

"But what?" I cried.

"You're Meredith Grey, you don't shop, you are married to your job and well the only break I've ever seen you take is when you're with McDreamy and really and honestly that is your life, hell that is all of our lives..." Izzie said. "_We_ don't have time to shop and I'm so glad that you have found the shopping life as part of your spare moment as a sick person, but seriously, use your time a little more wisely,"

I was taken aback; I have never heard Izzie sound that serious about anything like that.

"Iz, I...uh...I don't know what to say..." I sighed.

"Mer, when Denny died, I honestly could have wasted my life on trivial things, doing silly things, acting like my life is just one normal day after another," Izzie told me.

I sighed.

"I guess our lives aren't as normal as I would have liked..." I said. Had I known Derek was listening from the other side of the door I would have lowered my voice. "I've got to face it, my life is not normal, hell, we live such abnormal lives and we're not normal people, I mean, we live these lives through the abnormalities of other people's existence; I just thought for one moment, one freaking moment I could have tried to be normal; avoid this life that I'm in, which frankly has not dealt me a great hand this week."

Izzie put her hand on my shoulder.

"Meredith, you are an extraordinary person; you are the best person I know," she said. "I know life is cruel, believe me, I have hated this job at one point or another, but you've got to deal with it because at the end of the day you save lives; you do amazing things,"

I started to cry on Izzie's shoulder as she hugged me. That was the moment that Derek walked in and pulled me into his arms. He carried me back into my room where I was still crying.

"Hey, hey," he wiped the tears from my face with the gentle touch of his hands.

"Don't you ever wish you could freeze frame your life?" I cried. "Sometimes I want to stop and rewind my life, where I know everything, where I couldn't make mistakes, where my life made sense."

Derek looked at me with his kind and gentle green eyes.

"Every moment with you is when I want to freeze frame my life," he said to me as he looked at me intently. "Because that is when I want my life to stop, I want to stop and be with you forever, where my life _does_ make sense,"

I held onto him tightly.

Derek lied down on the bed with me and touched my cheek.

"Close your eyes," he whispered.

As I closed my eyes he ran his hands along my legs ever so gently and let his fingers tickle my skin, his hands moved to my stomach and swept gently across my waistline where they then moved around my shoulders and my face. At this moment his movement was turning into poetry sending me into a second in time, freeze framing my life, comforting me and making me feel safe.

"You saved me," I whispered.

Derek stroked my hair and pulled me tightly into his arms.

"You saved yourself," he answered.


	6. Trying To Make Sense

The next morning I awoke to the smell of Izzie's pancakes

The next morning I awoke to the smell of Izzie's pancakes.

"Derek...do I smell pancakes?" I said as I rolled over and faced an empty sheet. "Derek?"

I got up out of bed and went into the bathroom where I heard the shower running. I looked on the floor and saw Derek's shirt.

"You're up early," I said.

I received no answer. So I poked my head in the shower. Derek looked surprised.

"Hey!" he said, he leaned over and kissed me with water dripping down his face.

"Mind if I join you?" I asked with a smile.

Derek smiled.

"Hurry up or I'll be late!" he laughed pulling me into the shower as I quickly stripped my clothes off.

Izzie stood pounding on the bathroom door.

"Mer, breakfast is ready!" she took it upon herself to open the door, "Meredith!" she stuck her head in the shower.

I yelped in shock.

"Oh my god!" Izzie screeched.

"Izzie!" I cried.

Izzie ran downstairs and came face to face with George and Cristina, who made it a regular habit of joining, Derek, Izzie, George and I for breakfast.

"I just saw Meredith in the shower!" she cried.

"Umm, you're point? I've seen her in the shower," Cristina replied. "God, I told her to get a wax! She will scare people otherwise!"

"She was doing McDreamy in the shower!" Izzie exclaimed.

"Ahhh gross!" George cried as Cristina frowned in disgust.

I walked downstairs tying up my hair.

"Breakfast smells nice," I commented.

"Help yourself," Izzie murmured from behind the newspaper.

"Iz...it's okay, I really should lock the bathroom door," I told her.

"Yeah, Meredith, I really don't want to talk about the fact that I just saw you and McDreamy doing the McNasty in the McShower," Izzie replied.

Derek walked in.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully.

"Well aren't we cheerful this morning," Izzie mused. "I wonder why?"

Derek shook his head as he leaned up behind me and kissed my cheek.

"God, I am going to need severe therapy for this!" Izzie cried.

"Who needs therapy when you can have us," I patted Izzie's head as I sat down next to her at the dining table. Derek sat down next to me and slipped his hand down on my knee. I looked at him and smiled. Just as he took a bite of his breakfast, his pager beeped.

"It's the chief," he told me. He got up. "I have to go," he said as he kissed me. "I'll come home for lunch,"

"I'll need my medicine," I joked.

Izzie groaned loudly.

"God I hope you are referring to normal IV administered medication," she warned.

"Oh why do you care?" I laughed as I put my plate up on the bench. "Now I need to go and get dressed, then what do you say about me going to work for a few hours this morning?"

"What do you say about the chief kicking you off the program?" Cristina told me.

"And that's not the only kicking; Bailey will kick your ass if you come near the hospital!" George added on.

"Come on! I'm bored!" I whined.

"Fine, come with us, but we are not responsible for you!" Cristina answered.

"Give me ten minutes!" I called out as I bounded up the stairs excitedly.

I arrived at the hospital to find the ER full of patients and the OR board covered in procedures.

"God, does this place ever sleep?" I wondered out loud.

"And what the hell are you doing here?" Bailey cried.

"Crap," I whispered in shock. I turned around and gave Bailey a sheepish grin. "Hi!"

Bailey frowned and shook her head.

"Grey, you know you aren't supposed to be here," she said.

"Dr. Bailey, I'm bored; I have sat around all day watching ER because it's as close to work as I can get," I sighed. "Just give me _something_ to do! I don't care if its rectal exams or scut! Actually I would prefer scut, but please I just want to do something!"

"Dr. Grey, the one thing I need you to do right now is to go down to get something to eat, I want you to completely focus and then come back and talk to me when you are making sense!"

"I am making sense!" I exclaimed. I started feeling teary. "The only thing that isn't making sense is my life!"

Bailey pulled me into the nearby _on call_ room.

"Grey, listen to me," she sat down in front of me and grabbed my shoulders. "You need to go home,"

I shook my head.

"I have nothing at home..." I sighed.

Bailey almost looked sympathetic.

"Now let me tell you this right now," she said abruptly. "_You_ have everything! Yeah, you lost the baby, but you know something? You are 26 years old, you've got your whole life ahead of you, and don't ever quote me on this, but Shepherd loves you; you are going to make a brilliant surgeon; and you know what, someday you will make a brilliant mother,"

I looked at her with tears rolling down my cheeks which I quickly swept to the side of my face.

"But let me tell you something," Bailey continued. "When you have been on your feet for 38 hours and you go home to a screaming baby and an angry husband, you will without a doubt be wishing you were 26 again, free and without a baby."

I nodded.

"Thanks Dr. Bailey,"

Bailey got up and walked out of the room.

I followed her, still wiping my eyes clear from tears, without, however, anticipating the fact that I was about to walk straight into Derek who walked past but didn't exactly see me; until he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Okay, I'm going to turn around and hope to god that you are not standing here when you should be at home..." Derek turned around. "...God Meredith!"

I gave him a smile that was less than compelling.

"Mer, what's up?" he asked as he kissed my forehead.

"I missed you..." I answered pressing myself against him as he hugged me. I couldn't hide the sadness in my voice.

"Have you been crying?" Derek asked.

I nodded.

"But I'm okay," I promised. "I'm just going to have a lie down in the on call room,"

Derek wiped away the tear that was slipping down my cheek.

"Want me to come with you?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Nope," I opened the door to the _on call_ room and Derek followed me in there; he closed the door behind him. I turned around and put my hands on my hips. "I said I was fine," I told him.

"I know, but I wanted to make sure," he sat on the edge of the bed while I lied down. He ran his finger down the edge of my cheek. "It will pass,"

I looked at him a little confused.

"The pain Meredith," Derek said. He gripped my hand. "The pain will pass,"

I took a deep breath and looked at him sadly.

"I just can't stop thinking about it...it's like everywhere I go I feel haunted by it," I told him.

Derek lied down next to me as close as he could get without pushing me into the wall; he held me tightly, his actions compelling anything he would have said.

The _on call_ room became boring after Derek left, so I decided to go down to the ferry dock in Elliot Bay where Derek and I went from time just to think.

Precise moments happen at certain points in our lives; we wonder sometimes if we had left five seconds earlier we may had just got through the traffic light that is going to make us five minutes late for work. Sometimes however, that extra five seconds early can stop people from irreversible brain damage, unavoidable surgeries that may not have occurred if we'd stopped at the red light and didn't head straight into a collision.

A collision of thoughts occurred on the ferry dock when I looked into the water and saw a little girl floating face down.

**OOOOOH my god!! Wait and see what happens next……**


	7. Response time

"Oh my god!" I cried.

With every instinct, I jumped into the water and pulled her out; the same place that Derek had pulled me out six months prior.

I reached for my phone and dialled 911 knowing, however, the next ten minutes of response time was crucial to the life of this defenceless child in my arms.

Upon arrival at the hospital I felt sick to wonder where this child's parents were. Bailey met me at the ER entrance where I gave her the details.

"Four or five year old Jane Doe, found face down in Elliot Bay ferry dock, she isn't responding to CPR, her pulse is slow and she isn't breathing; she's bordering hypothermic, I suspect she'd been in there ten minutes, maybe more..." I explained. "Page Dr. Shepherd because you'll need to find the extent of the brain damage!"

Bailey looked as horrified as I did.

"Okay Dr. Grey, I am going to need you to get on this case," Bailey told me.

"I'm on it Dr. Bailey," I raced down to the locker room and changed into my scrubs and made my way back to the ER, paging Derek on my way through. He met me in the ER.

"What happened?" He cried. "Mer...Dr. Bailey?"

"Dr. Grey found this little girl face down in Elliot Bay!" Bailey answered. "So it is her case now,"

"Dr. Bailey, we know Dr. Grey is in no fit state to work this week!" Derek protested.

"Dr. Shepherd, I understand your personal intentions for Dr. Grey, but she is very much capable of working as she clearly pointed out with her excellent response time with this child!" Bailey told him. "Now, when we get this child's pulse stronger, Dr. Grey will take her for a CT and MRI, now Dr. Shepherd, please find something to do!"

Derek looked at me.

"I'm fine!" I cried; it was then I heard the wail of the monitor. "She's in V-fib! Get me a crash cart!"

I snatched up the paddles.

"Charge 100! Clear!"

With one shock, the little girl's pulse increased to steady.

I looked at Bailey and took a deep breath.

"Her body temp is so low she's hypothermic; she must have been under longer than I thought..." I began getting worked up.

"Grey, listen to me! You got her out! She is going to have a better chance of survival because of that!" Bailey said. "Now, I need you to order a CT and MRI, then page your boyfriend, we need to assess the damage."

I nodded.

"What about the parents?" I asked.

"I'm putting out an MP report with the police, and we'll go from there," Bailey replied.

I raced around to neuro and booked a CT and MRI whilst paging Derek, a little unimpressed with his behaviour in front of Bailey previously.

"We need to get this girl to CT and then MRI," I told him and then turned to walk away.

Derek grabbed my arm.

"Let go!" I told him with a steely glare.

"What's wrong?" he asked with a worried look on his face.

"You don't get to speak to me like that!" I cried.

"Like what?" Derek exclaimed.

"Like I am some incompetent child who doesn't know how to look after herself!" I answered angrily.

"Mer...I'm just trying to take care of you!" Derek said with a sad look on his face.

"I don't need you to! I am fine! It is that poor defenceless child down there who needs your help, not me!" I told him. I walked out of the room and slammed the door behind myself. As I made my way back to ER I ran into Cristina.

"I just heard about your superhero experience!" she said. "Is there anything cardiothoracic?"

I shook my head.

"I'm just taking her to CT and MRI, we're going to go from there," I answered.

"Is there any news on the parents?" Cristina asked.

"Bailey put out an MP but nothing yet," I told her.

"Damn!" Cristina sighed. "I can't believe some parents!"

"Neither can I," I replied.

It wasn't before too long that I was back in the CT procedure room with Derek, who I tried my best to ignore unless, it required professional interaction. The MRI films came back within minutes following the scan; at this point we were in the middle of her CT.

"Dr. Grey, here are the films for your 4 year old," the nurse said.

I looked at them closely and noted some slight swelling around the brain; I did see something however, which Derek also saw.

"Is that...?" I started.

"Blunt force trauma to the head," Derek finished with a shocked look on his face. "She has half a shattered skull,"

I stared at the MRI in disbelief when I got a page from Bailey; I raced to the ER to find her consoling a distressed and partially drunk man with a woman who looked as though she was on some sort of drugs.

"Dr. Grey, these are the parents of your patient," Bailey looked at me with a disgusted look on her face; she knew as well as I did that these parents were about as aware as my patient.

"M-my Charlotte, where is she?" the father asked.

"Mr...?" I prompted.

"Blake," he answered, slurring through the stench of alcohol on his breath.

"Mr. Blake, I found your daughter at 10:25 am this morning in the Elliot Bay ferry docks, can you tell me how she got there?" I asked, dreading the response.

"Well, she loves ferry boats and we took her to see them – her mother and I had to go to the bathroom and we left her for two minutes..." Mr. Blake explained.

I could feel the anger boiling in my head; so much so, Bailey could see my emotions building and stepped in.

"Mr and Mrs Blake, your daughter is having some tests to see if we are dealing with any permanent brain damage," Bailey explained, I could tell she was as furious as I was.

"Excuse me Dr. Bailey, can I just speak with you for a second," I interrupted with a desperate and pleading look on my face.

Bailey walked into the hallway with me. I looked at her with concern.

"Okay, Grey, tell me about Charlotte," she said.

"When we looked at Charlotte's films we didn't expect to see what we found; the films showed a subdural haematoma caused by blunt force trauma to the frontal lobe," I answered. I took a deep breath. "In a nutshell, she has half a shattered skull."

"Oh my god!" Bailey snatched the films from my hands. "Grey, I need you to call social services right now!"

I could see Bailey was growing distressed, so I didn't protest, nor comment, I just did as she asked.

At the desk I wrapped up my phone call to social services when I saw Derek come running down the hall.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's your little one," he said.

"Charlotte," I told him. "And those charmingly disgusting excuses for human beings are her parents."

"You're joking right?" Derek asked.

I shook my head.

"Mer, she needs a plate put in right away, I want you to scrub in," Derek said.

I nodded and followed him down to the OR.

Bailey, on the other hand, went back over to see the Blake's.

"When...when can I see my Charlie?" Mrs. Blake managed to slur.

"Mrs. Blake!" Bailey cried. "Your daughter needs surgery because she was hit over the head with an object that caused her skull to shatter on one side! Now I don't care about what drugs you are on right now but I am going to ask you if you hit your daughter?"

The Blake's started crying and with no words gave Bailey their answer.

"How did it happen?" Bailey asked.

Mrs. Blake started crying quite hysterically.

"She just wouldn't stop crying!" she cried. "So I put her in the bath tub... I thought that would calm her down..."

Bailey nodded.

"But she kept crying...so I...I...smacked her head against the tub..."

Bailey stopped nodding.

"And then she went to sleep, so we put her in bed and went to sleep...she...she was fine this morning, so we went to the ferries...and...And now we are here,"

Bailey felt sick.

"Mrs. Blake," she said, as calmly as her voice would allow. "You hit your child's head against a bath tub, my guess is repeatedly...I don't know what to say except for the fact that _you do not deserve to be parents_!" she shouted.


	8. Dreaming of a Lifetime

The processes started with social services and the Seattle PD arriving; Derek and I finished surgery relatively successfully and the Blake's had been taken to the psychological wing of the hospital and then to the police station

The processes started with social services and the Seattle PD arriving; Derek and I finished surgery relatively successfully and the Blake's had been taken to the psychological wing of the hospital and then to the police station. Exiting the surgery I felt sick, while the past few days had been somewhat life changing, I didn't anticipate the feelings that would come working on this case.

If there is one thing that surgery has taught me, it is a reflection of our emotions – we make a simple cut without any hesitation; but if for one moment that five second cut could talk, it would tell us just what was below the patients surface...what was _really_ going on in their lives.

That night Derek came into my room while I was lying in bed reading one of my medical text books.

"What are you doing here?" I asked from behind the book in a tone that would have frightened him.

He took my text book.

"What?" I cried.

"I shouldn't have spoken to you like that and undermined you in front of Bailey," he sighed.

I raised my eyebrows.

"You think?" I snapped.

"Mer...Please don't snap at me..." he said quietly; he wrapped his arms around me as he sat on the bed. I reluctantly allowed him to.

"Derek, I know that to you I'm this person who is constantly letting you down...constantly needing to be saved..." I told him. "When you pulled me out of the water, you did save me, you saved me...I don't need to be saved anymore..."

He kissed the side of my head and then pulled me around to face him as I sat on his knees with my legs wrapped around his waist.

"You know what?" he smiled.

"What?" I asked leaning in to rest my forehead on his.

"You did it," he told me.

"Did what?" I questioned.

"You saved yourself..." he whispered leaning in to kiss me as we fell onto the bed.

"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you for saving me,"

Derek smiled and stroked my cheek.

"I will always save you Mer," he said softly.

That night I awoke to Derek tossing and turning so I rolled over, kissed his cheek and got up; I went down to the kitchen to find Izzie reading a newspaper.

"Couldn't sleep either?" I asked.

Izzie shook her head.

"Well let's just say that with you snoring and George sleep talking, I don't get much sleep these days," she answered.

"I just couldn't stop thinking about Charlotte..." I said to her.

"Who?" Izzie asked.

"Charlotte, my four year old patient, the one with half the shattered skull," I told her.

"Oh right, her!" Izzie recalled. "Yeah, it's really sad; Bailey says she'll have to go into a group home for a while,"

I shook my head sadly.

"I just don't get it Iz, some parents just...I don't know..." I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

Derek appeared at the door.

"Hey," he sighed. "Are you coming back to bed?"

I quickly wiped my face.

"Y-yeah," I answered. "I won't be long,"

Derek nodded and went back to bed.

I looked at Izzie and took a deep breath.

"Thanks Iz," I said.

"Anytime," Izzie answered.

I got up and slowly wandered back to bed, Derek was sitting up waiting for me to come back into bed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I couldn't sleep," I flopped down on the bed and covered my head with a pillow. Derek pulled it away.

"Mer, listen to me...you need to listen to me..." Derek said leaning down and looking at me, his face was inches from mine.

"I can't listen to you because I don't want to believe it!" I cried. I started crying so hard that I couldn't breathe, yet again, another panic attack from stress.

"Meredith!" Derek cried. "Stop!" he cried pulling me up and holding me by my shoulders in a way that made him look angry and frustrated.

I must have looked terrified because I stopped crying and stared at him with tears slipping down my cheeks.

"Mer...I..." Derek softened his grip.

I jumped up and ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. Derek ran after me and stood at the bathroom door.

"Meredith..." he sighed.

I sat down at the bath and ran the water; Derek walked in.

"I'm so sorry," he put his hand on my shoulder and stroked my hair.

"I just can't stop seeing her...in that water...face down..." I said. "And I keep expecting the pain to pass...I mean...she isn't my child...but...she could have been..."

I took a deep breath.

"If that hadn't happened the other day...if you know I hadn't lost the baby...that could have been my child...our child..."

Derek stroked my cheek.

"You know what...it wouldn't have been our child..." he told me. "Because you would have made a wonderful mother...and you know, you would have made me a great dad..."

"But we aren't going to be parents anymore..." I whispered through my tears.

"I promise you..." Derek cupped his hands around my cheeks. "...One day, you and I will be parents... you and I will have children one day..." he said softly. "...and we will live in a big house with six bedrooms, three for the three children we will have, one for us, a study for our work and one spare bedroom for when you and I fight and I get kicked out onto the couch... or when I resort to a separate room for relief of your snoring..."

I managed a smile.

"But one day we will do this...I'm just sorry that one day isn't _today_,"

I turned around and gave him a hug.

"One day," I whispered.


	9. Playing House

The next day Derek and I went into the hospital with all hopes for Charlotte

The next day Derek and I went into the hospital with all hopes for Charlotte. I walked into the paediatrics centre expecting to see Charlotte in pretty bad shape; instead I walked in and found Derek following a light across her open eyes.

"She's awake?" I asked in disbelief.

Derek nodded as I walked over.

"Charlotte, my name's Meredith," I told her. "How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts..." Charlotte answered.

"Okay," I said softly. "Can you show me where?"

She pointed to where she was bandaged which was a relief.

"Where's mommy?" she asked.

I looked at her with a sad look in my eyes.

"Sweetie, you need to listen to me and Dr. Shepherd," I sighed. "Your mommy and daddy aren't going to be able to look after you anymore..."

Derek put his hand on my shoulder.

"Mer..." he said.

I shook my head.

"But why?" Charlotte asked.

I felt my eyes well with tears.

"Well...you see...uh..." I choked back my tears.

"It's okay," Derek whispered in my ear. He then turned to Charlotte. "Charlotte, Meredith and I are going to find you a home where you can feel safe – where mommy and daddy can't hurt you."

Charlotte started to cry.

"I...I...I want my mommy!" she sobbed.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her up into my arms where I cradled her and rocked her back and forth.

"It's okay..." I said softly. "Everything is going to be okay sweetie..."

Derek quickly wiped a tear that he'd hoped I hadn't seen; nevertheless I had seen it.

Bailey happened to walk past at that moment; she looked in at Derek and I; an image of myself with Charlotte in my arms and Derek with his arms around the two of us. Bailey couldn't bear to break it up; perhaps the short lived lapse in judgement was related to her experience of motherhood.

She cleared her throat and returned to the original Bailey.

"Excuse me Dr. Shepherd," she said loudly with a hint of a sympathetic tone.

Derek turned around and saw her.

"Dr. Bailey," he responded.

Bailey shook her head.

"When they were my interns, I told them not to get emotionally involved..." she told him. "I failed that with Stevens with Denny Duquette and the LVad wire...now that they are residents...it seems they're straying from the rules even more..."

"Miranda, she just lost a baby...my baby too...please just cut her some slack..." Derek pleaded.

"I just heard back from Seattle Group Home Orphanage," Bailey told him. "It seems there is no place for Charlotte, but there is a place for her in Manhattan Group Home,"

"Manhattan?" Derek cried. "Can't you get a temporary foster home for her?"

Bailey shook her head.

"No one will take her," she answered.

"I'll find someone!" Derek exclaimed. "Give me some time to find someone before you put a scared little girl on a three hour flight to a city large enough to scare someone like you!"

Bailey took a deep breath.

"You've got til the end of the day Shepherd," she told him as she turned on her heels and walked away.

Derek re-entered the room and saw Charlotte sitting on my knee, tracing lines between the freckles on my arm.

"See this here," I pointed to a scar on my arm. "You know, I fell out of a tree when I was about your age, I had to come into the hospital and get three stitches..."

"Did your mommy come?" Charlotte asked.

I shook my head.

"My mommy left me in the emergency room..." I said to her. "She was a doctor and she told me to wait until my doctor came to see me and left so she could get back to work..."

"I miss mommy..." Charlotte said tearily.

"You know what, I am going to find you a wonderful mommy," I promised her.

Derek cleared his throat.

"Meredith," he motioned for me to come over to the doorway.

I put Charlotte up on the bed and went out into the hallway to speak to Derek.

"We need to find a family for Charlotte today!" he told me with a worried look.

"Okay...but what about the orphanage?" I asked.

"There's no place for her in Seattle," Derek said. "If we don't find one today, she is going to get sent out to Manhattan..."

"Manhattan?" I cried. "I'm 26 years old and I am terrified of Manhattan!"

I sat and thought about it for a moment.

"What if...?"

Derek knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Mer...I just don't think it will work..." he said.

"If she is in the care of the hospital...wouldn't it be classed as custody...and if we needed an extra bed and someone's house could offer a room to a very vulnerable little girl, do you think that it would be okay?" I asked.

"Meredith, you and I are surgeons...we cannot look after a child who really and honestly, needs all the attention we can give her..." Derek sighed.

"I want to try Derek, I want to try!" I told him. "The chief gave me a week off work, so I can stay at home and look after her, hopefully by that time we would have found her a home,"

Derek took a deep breath.

"It's your call..." he said.

I kissed him on the cheek and went in to see Charlotte.

"Charlotte," I ran my hand across her arm. "What would you say about coming home with me for a little while?"

Charlotte's eyes lit up.

"Okay," she smiled.


	10. Mommy?

That afternoon I took Charlotte home in Derek's car; she fell asleep in the car and I carried her up to my bedroom laying her down on the bed

That afternoon I took Charlotte home in Derek's car; she fell asleep in the car and I carried her up to my bedroom laying her down on the bed.

"Sweet dreams Charlotte," I ran my hand over her cheek and grabbed Izzie's Henry bear and put it down next to her.

It wasn't before too long I found myself growing extremely tired; I hadn't eaten a lot and I was waiting for Charlotte to wake up so I could take her out to get some food for her. I went upstairs and saw Charlotte stirring; she opened her eyes and started crying when she looked around and saw no one in the room.

"Its okay sweetie, I'm here," I said walking over and laying down next to her giving her a cuddle.

"Meredith..." Charlotte whispered.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Will you be my mommy?" she asked.

I felt sick to answer that.

"I'll try Charlotte," I whispered. "Now I want you to be a good girl and close your eyes, okay,"

Charlotte nodded.

"Can you tell me a story?" she asked.

I nodded and pulled her into my arms as I reached out for Henry so she could hold him.

"Once upon a time, there was a little princess," I said. "But she had a bad accident and a very kind doctor...named Dr. Shepherd made her head all better..."

"And she got a new mommy," Charlotte finished.

"And do you know what?" I asked. "She found a family, who loved her very much, and three very special aunties, Aunty Izzie, Aunty Cristina and Aunty Lexie and a very cool Uncle George..."

"Meredith..." Charlotte said softly.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Is it true?" Charlotte questioned.

"Is what true?" I answered.

"Happy ever after?"

I didn't know how to answer that. For me, it's always been simple; I never really had it, so it never really existed.

"I'm not sure..." I wrapped my arms around her. "I think sometimes its true...sometimes..."

"Are fairytales true?" Charlotte asked.

I shook my head.

"Somewhere along the line they were, but that doesn't mean you can't believe in them... because one day, for you, you will get a fairytale...one day you will get happily ever after," I told her.

Charlotte lied down and closed her eyes.

"I want to be a princess..." she said in a tone that made my heart break. "That way nothing bad will ever happen..."

I ran my hand down her cheek.

"You are a princess," I told her. "Now I want you to go to sleep and dream about your very own happily ever after..."

I lied down next to her and closed my eyes and felt Charlotte's auburn coloured hair close to my face; wondering what I had done, I slowly drifted off to sleep.

It must have been a relatively long sleep, because I soon woke up to the sun setting in the evening light. I rolled over and couldn't find Charlotte. I started to panic.

"Charlotte?" I said worriedly. I dashed around upstairs but couldn't find her; it was at that moment that full blown panic Meredith mode had set in. "God! Charlotte where are you?"

I dashed downstairs to find Charlotte and Derek sitting on the couch watching TV. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey!" I said sitting down between them and pulling Charlotte into my lap. "How are you feeling sweetheart?" I asked.

"My head is a lot better," Charlotte answered.

Derek looked at me with a smile.

"Derek..." Charlotte asked.

Derek looked at her closely.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"Will you be my daddy?" Charlotte questioned.

Derek looked at me with sad eyes.

"I'll try," he sighed. "Now, it's dinner time munchkin! Time to get on the food rocket!" he grabbed Charlotte and held her over his head and pretended to be a rocket all the way into the kitchen. "Mer, have we got anything to eat?"

"I was going to go down to the grocery store," I replied walking into the kitchen. "I have to go down to the store to get her a few things,"

"Why don't we all go?" Derek asked.

"I don't think she's up for it Derek..." I told him worriedly.

Derek smiled.

"Now you are really being a mother," he chuckled leaning in to kiss me. "Well I'll stay here with her and you go get some stuff to eat."

I nodded.

"Charlotte, I need to go to the store honey, I won't be long if you just want to wait here with Derek," I told her.

"No...Meredith I want to come..." Charlotte protested.

"Sweetie, I'm afraid you're not well enough," I sighed running my hand through her hair as I kneeled down and gave her a hug. "I'll come back okay, I promise!"

"You promise?" Charlotte asked with tears in her eyes.

"I promise!" I answered.

I rushed down at the store, with no idea what sort of food to get and what things a child of her age would need. Surely a four year old would be potty trained; I wasn't taking any chances on that so I grabbed some diapers. I then found the best food that as I child I loved;

_Hmm... I'm no dietician but I know that chocolate and ice cream are not the best things for children..._

So instead I grabbed some sausages and vegetables and took them home with the child supplies as Derek now refers them.

At home Derek was rifling through the groceries and held up the packet of diapers.

"Mer, she is four!" he cried.

"How am I supposed to know if she is potty trained...you're forgetting that I am not her mother!" I whispered.

Derek ran his hand down my cheek.

"Meredith, you're doing your best, and I think it's wonderful," he told me.

About half an hour later, dinner was ready and Charlotte was sitting up in the chair waiting for her food.

"Are you hungry blossom?" Derek asked her.

I smiled as Derek sat down and helped her cut up her food; he would have made a wonderful dad.

That night we put Charlotte on a mattress in mine and Derek's room; we sat down in the lounge room and cuddled.

"I don't know what to do Derek...she thinks I'm her mom...how do I give her up?" I asked.

"Mer, we knew this would never be easy..." Derek sighed. "But at the end of the day, we lead way too busy lives to have a child right now,"

I nodded and slipped into his arms as he held me tightly.

That night I slept lightly; so I was immediately woken by Charlotte crawling under my blankets at around 2:30 am.

"What's up sweetie?" I whispered.

"Can I sleep with you, mommy?" she asked.

_Mommy?_ I took a deep breath.

"Sure honey," I lifted up the blanket and allowed for her to crawl under as she slept between Derek and me.


	11. One Big Happy Family

The next morning I awoke to Charlotte laughing; I rolled over and saw her sitting up in bed with Derek playing some strange hand game

The next morning I awoke to Charlotte laughing; I rolled over and saw her sitting up in bed with Derek playing some strange hand game.

"Oops...we woke up Meredith!" Derek said into her ear as he laughed.

Charlotte jumped over onto my side of the bed.

"Meredith! Guess what?" she exclaimed.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I get to go into the_ hopsicle_ today!" Charlotte said.

"To the _hospital_?" I repeated.

Charlotte nodded and I looked at Derek with a curious look.

"Just going to take her in and give her a CT." Derek explained. He rubbed my arm as he could see I looked worried. "She'll be fine," he assured me.

I nodded.

"Okay Charlie; I have to take you to the shops first, then we'll see Derek at the hospital," I told Charlotte.

Charlotte and I went to the shops and I bought her some clothes; pretty dresses and a few toys; surprisingly, she picked up a toy doctors kit.

"Can I have one of these?" she asked.

"Of course you can! But you know, I can get you a real one from the hospital sweetie," I told her.

Charlotte nodded.

"Okay!" she said excitedly.

Later on at the hospital I walked down the corridor holding Charlotte's hand. She was wearing a new dress I bought her; it was white with pink rosettes embossed on the skirt, on her feet were plain white ballet flats and her legs warmed by leggings. We saw Derek and Charlotte ran and jumped into his arms.

"Derek!" she exclaimed. "Look at my dress!"

Derek gave her a hug.

"Ah you look beautiful!" he said with a smile.

Cristina walked passed and stopped; she looked at Derek and Charlotte.

"Is this the rugrat living at your house?" she asked me.

I nodded.

"Cute hey," I said.

"You know how I feel about kids," Cristina said.

I smiled at her.

"She calls you Auntie Cristina," I laughed

Cristina whipped around.

"She calls me what?" she cried. "Ugh that is sick!"

I laughed.

"Meredith! Look!" Charlotte held up a stethoscope.

"That's great honey," I answered.

Cristina looked at me with a horrified look on her face.

"_Honey_?" she cried. "Oh you are so toxic right now!"

I shook my head.

"Got some cool charts to steal Cristina?" I asked her.

"On my way," Cristina replied.

Charlotte ran over to me.

"Sweetie, you have to go with Derek remember," I told her.

"Are you coming?" Charlotte asked.

I nodded.

"Sure am," I answered.

Charlotte had a CT scan and everything seemed to be okay at this stage; Derek was in the viewing room and I followed him in there. The nurse stayed in the room while Charlotte went through the scan. All of a sudden, however, she started to get scared.

"Meredith..." she cried. "I want Meredith!"

I grabbed the speaker.

"It's okay honey, Derek and I are just looking at your pictures," I assured her.

"Mommy!" she wailed.

"I have to go in there!" I jumped out of the chair and ran into the room; I grabbed her hand.

Charlotte was trying to get up.

"Sweetie, it's alright," I told her. "Everything's alright, now calm down..." I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "I'm here now,"

"I want you Meredith..."

"I know sweetie, I'm here now though," I told her. "But you need to lie very, very still so Derek can take some pictures."

After Derek took the scans and I pulled Charlotte off the bed and dressed her.

"Come on, we're going to go home," I said lifting her up. She grabbed me tightly and wouldn't let go.

At home Charlotte was sleeping on my bed. I was so tired I felt like doing the same. So I went upstairs and lied down next to her.

"Mommy?" Charlotte whispered.

"It's alright honey, just close your eyes," I whispered putting my arms around her.

I woke to the sound of voices a little while later.

"Look at her, it's a mini Mer," Izzie's voice was a whisper.

"Ha, she lies on her side like Meredith," came George's voice.

I rolled over and looked at them.

"Hey," I said quietly.

Charlotte woke up.

"Auntie Izzie...Uncle George..." she said.

Izzie came over and sat on the bed.

"How are you feeling beautiful girl?" she asked. "Do you want to come bake some cookies with Auntie Izzie?"

Charlotte jumped up and looked at me for approval.

"Go ahead," I told her.

"Mommy, I'll make you some cookies," she whispered in my ear.

George grabbed Charlotte and tickled her.

"ARGH! Here comes the cookie monster!"

Charlotte squealed in delight.

George and Charlotte ran downstairs.

"_Mommy_?" Izzie cried. "Meredith...she is calling you mommy,"

I shook my head.

"I don't want to get into it Iz," I answered. "Now let's go bake some cookies,"

Derek walked in later that afternoon to see the four of us in the kitchen all cooking.

"Smells good!" he commented.

Charlotte ran over to Derek and wrapped her arms around his legs.

"What are you cooking my little munchkin?" he asked.

"Cookies!" Charlotte answered as Derek lifted her up. She picked one up and shoved it at his mouth. "Have one!"

Derek started laughing.

"Mmm, yummy," he said. "Who made these?"

"Auntie Izzie and me!" Charlotte answered.

"You mean, Auntie Izzie and I," I corrected her.

"That's what I said!" Charlotte replied.

Derek raised his eyebrows and looked at me; I simply shrugged and stirred the pasta I was cooking.

"Meredith is cooking psketti!" Charlotte told him.

"You mean spaghetti?" Derek asked with a smile.

Charlotte nodded.

"Taste test?" I asked.

Derek walked over and I gave him a test.

"Mmm, absolutely...how do you say it..._bellissimo_!"

"My some!" Charlotte said trying to grab the spoon.

"Just a minute, it's hot," I told her blowing onto the spoon. Charlotte followed my lead and blew the spoon; she blew it so hard that pasta sauce flicked all over my face. I started laughing, as did Derek; and soon Charlotte was giggling hysterically. "Now quickly clean mommy's face..." I didn't even realise what I'd said, but everyone else caught on.

Derek, on the other hand, didn't mind, he simply leaned in to kiss my face where the pasta sauce was.

"Mmm, yummy pasta..." he laughed.

Charlotte decided she would copy Derek and she put slobbery wet kisses all over my cheek.

"Charlie!" I laughed.

Charlotte leaped into my arms and planted a kiss that I call the _mommy kiss_ right on my lips.

"When's dinner?" she asked.

"Right now," I kissed her cheek and put her on the chair. Derek leaned in and blew a raspberry on Charlotte's cheek that made her giggle hysterically.

We all sat down, including Izzie and George, and ate dinner. It wasn't before too long that Charlotte was starting to fall asleep on the lounge.

"I'm just going to put her bedtime diaper on," I told Derek. "Do you think we should put her on the mattress?"

Derek nodded.

"If she gets up into our bed later, its okay," he answered.

I nodded and carried Charlotte up to her bed where I changed her into a diaper and put her pyjamas on.

"Goodnight sweetie," I whispered kissing her forehead.

"Goodnight mommy," Charlotte said sleepily.

Not baring the thought of going back downstairs, I climbed into my bed and closed my eyes, just listening to Charlotte breathe.

Momentarily I felt Derek climb into bed.

"Goodnight," he whispered.

I felt his arms wrap around me and I drifted off to sleep.

I felt as though I hadn't been asleep long when Charlotte climbed up into the bed and lied between Derek and me.

Derek wrapped his arms around the two of us and opened his eyes looking at me with a worried look.

At some point in time we have to assess the damage; we have to understand that life changes; priorities change and our lifestyles become inevitably different. As doctors and surgeons or whatever, we have routines; our days off consist of folding laundry that has been sitting there for a week since our last day off. But sometimes our routines lose structure; assessing the damage, this can be over time due to severe procrastination; on the other hand, it can be within the blink of an eye.


	12. Our worst fears

I woke up the next morning before Derek and Charlotte; I rolled over and stared at them

I woke up the next morning before Derek and Charlotte; I rolled over and stared at them. Charlotte had her tiny arms wrapped around Derek's neck.

I ran my hand over her hair and pulled her into my arms where she stirred slightly, but it wasn't before too long that she fell back asleep. I closed my eyes and drifted into a partial sleep. But surely enough I wasn't asleep long.

"Meredith," Derek whispered. He gave me a gentle nudge. "Mer..."

I opened my eyes and found Charlotte asleep on my chest.

"I don't think she slept very well," he told me.

"That makes two of us," I answered.

Derek leaned over and gave me a kiss.

"What have we done?" I sighed deeply.

"I don't know Mer..." Derek responded.

Charlotte must have been having a nightmare because she started crying in her sleep.

"M-mommy..." she sobbed. "No! No, no, no!"

I looked at Derek and pulled Charlotte up in an attempt to wake her.

"Charlotte!"

Charlotte woke up and threw her arms around me as she continued crying.

"It's okay," I whispered as I held her tightly. "Everything's okay, I'm here sweetie,"

I looked at Derek and smiled softly.

"Charlie, why don't we go and wake Aunty Izzie?" I said to her.

Charlotte nodded. I got up out of bed and pulled Charlotte up to carry her into Izzie's room.

"Iz..." I knocked on the door.

"Come in..." Izzie groaned.

Charlotte pushed the door as we walked through. I went and sat on Izzie's bed and pulled Charlotte into my arms.

"She wanted to come and see you," I laughed.

Izzie rolled over and laughed as I looked at her with a desperate look meaning that Derek and I had barely spent a moment alone together since we took Charlotte home.

"Come on Charlie, let's leave Meredith and Derek alone and we'll make some breakfast!" Izzie told Charlotte.

I smiled and leaned my forehead against Charlotte's forehead.

"We'll come down soon," I said to her.

I went back into bed and found Derek lying there with his eyes closed. I climbed up on the bed and hovered over his face. Without opening his eyes, he smiled; sensing I was there.

"Alone at last," he murmured as I pressed my lips to his.

"Come on, we've got about five minutes before she starts wondering where we are..." I told him pulling his shirt up over his head.

"Smooth..." Derek started kissing my neck as he pulled at my bra strap around my back.

The next thing I knew, we were tangled in each other, his bare skin under me; I felt myself kissing him in desperation, wanting more every second. Nothing was enough for me at that moment; if we were close, I felt like I needed to be closer. I thought for a moment that we had never been quite like this, needing each other so badly.

"I love you so much..." Derek told me between kisses.

"I love _you_," I replied kissing his ear as I ran my hand down his chest and sank further into his arms. I felt his lips moving across my shoulder and down the bare skin of my back.

Not too much later, Derek and I walked downstairs where Izzie and Charlotte were sitting.

"Have fun?" Izzie asked.

I looked at her with a steely gaze.

"Hey! Point taken!" Izzie cried.

"What's for breakfast?" Derek asked.

"Auntie Izzie made me pancakes!" Charlotte said smiling.

"Well aren't you a lucky little girl!" I commented leaning in and kissing Charlotte's cheek.

Derek smiled as he looked on.

"You know, Iz...those pancakes would taste great with blueberries," I told her with a smile.

Izzie rolled her eyes.

"Lucky for you miss picky eater, I made a separate batch to accommodate," she answered.

I laughed.

"A picky eater? Meredith? No way!" Derek laughed. I shoved him.

Charlotte ran over to Derek and raised her arms to be picked up.

"Do you not have legs missy?" Derek asked her with a chuckle.

Charlotte jumped up and down.

"Pick me up! Pick me up!" she cried.

"Not until you ask nicely," Derek told her.

Izzie leaned down and whispered in Charlotte's ear.

"Go give him a cuddle and don't let go,"

Charlotte went over to Derek and gave him a hug.

"She's gonna use the trick isn't she," I asked Izzie.

Izzie shrugged.

"What trick?" she was never great at playing dumb.

"My trick, the one where I hug him and don't let go," I laughed.

Derek went to stand up and Charlotte latched around his neck.

Derek started to laugh.

"You know, Meredith tries that on me too..." he told Charlotte. "Now come on honey, sit down and eat your breakfast please,"

"But...I don't feel like it..." Charlotte whined. She reached out for me to pick her up.

I went over to her and picked her up.

"What's wrong?" I asked as she wrapped her arms around me. With no reply from her, I asked again. "Charlie, honey, what's wrong? God, Derek she's burning up!"

"Meredith..." Derek said hesitantly.

All of a sudden, Charlotte felt limp... I pulled her back from my shoulder and saw her eyes closed. I began to panic.

"Derek!" I started to cry. "Call 911! Now! We...we have to drive her to the hospital! The ambulance will never make it!"

"Meredith!" Derek grabbed Charlotte from my arms and snatched up the phone dialling 911. "The ambulance will be here as soon as they can!"

I rode in the ambulance with Charlotte while Derek followed in his car closely behind. I jumped out of the ambulance and met Bailey at the ER entrance.

"She...she...I..." I stumbled.

"Grey, I need you to move away!" Bailey told me.

I shook my head.

"No!" I cried. "She is my little girl! I can't!"

Bailey stopped and stared at me.

"Meredith!" she grabbed my arms. "You need to let me do my job!"

I watched them take Charlotte into trauma room one where I saw the team charging paddles to get her heart restarted. I stood outside sobbing.

Derek raced in and saw me crying. He grabbed me and held me tightly; I felt him shaking and saw tears rolling down his cheeks.

Bailey emerged with a look on her face I'd never seen.

"Okay," she took a deep breath. "We had to use the paddles, but her vitals are increasing again," she explained. "I think it may have been a seizure,"

I felt myself shaking.

"A seizure?" I cried.

"Grey, her temp is 107," Bailey told me. I nearly fell over in shock.

"Oh my god...Derek..." I whispered.

Derek gripped my hand.

"Is she going to be okay?" I asked Bailey.

She nodded in response.

"She's going to be fine," she answered. "Shepherd, you need to organise a CT though, just to double check."

I heard Charlotte start crying.

"No, I want Meredith!" she cried.

The nurse ran out.

"Dr. Grey, you are going to need to go in there," she said breathlessly.

I ran into Charlotte.

"Oh god, Charlie," I pulled her up into my arms. "You frightened me so much!"

Derek came in.

"Mer...She needs to go down to CT now," he said coming over to us. He leaned in and kissed Charlotte's forehead. "How do you feel honey?"

"I don't feel good...I got a sore head..." she answered.

I ran my hand over her back.

"I know," I answered.

"Can we go home?" Charlotte asked. "I want to go home!"

"I know you do, but I'm not sure yet," I told her; my heart broke when I saw her eyes well with tears.

"I don't like it here," she said.

"It's okay," I said. "I'm going to stay here with you okay, so you don't need to be scared..."

Many scans and vital checks later, Charlotte was able to come home. It was raining outside so Derek drove the car right up to the exit; he took Charlotte from my arms and put her in the car. I looked at Charlotte and back at Derek. For one moment I stopped and pictured my life a few years down the track; I knew that having a child and being a surgeon was not going to be the easiest choice; but at that moment I didn't see another option.


	13. Reality is so much better

It was later that afternoon I found myself lying on the bed watching Charlotte sleeping

It was later that afternoon I found myself lying on the bed watching Charlotte sleeping. I listened to her breathing, watching her closely; the instance that her breath seemed shallow my heart skipped a beat.

"You know, children don't breathe consistently," Cristina walked into the bedroom.

I whipped around and looked at her.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" I asked.

"Sent home...exceeded the 80 hour limit..." Cristina replied.

I laughed.

"That doesn't sound like you..." I replied. "...I would have thought that you wouldn't have gone down without a fight..."

"The kid is making me soft," Cristina rolled her eyes.

I laughed to myself.

"Oh Cristina," I sighed. "What have I done?"

Cristina looked at Charlotte and back at me; my eyes must have been pleading for some answers, because Cristina knew she didn't have any.

"Let's go have some lunch," she said. "I'm raiding your fridge because I have no food!"

I got up off the bed and walked with Cristina downstairs. We sat down and ate some sandwiches and drank coffee; I hadn't bonded with Cristina like this in a long time. It wasn't before too long that Charlotte trotted sleepily down the stairs.

"Hey," I said pulling her up into my arms. "How are you feeling?" I put my hand to her forehead and looked at Cristina. "God, she's still running a fever,"

Cristina reached over and touched Charlotte's forehead.

"Yeah, it's not too drastic, but keep your eye on it," she told me.

"I wonder if I went and got some baby _Aspirin_, that may work," I thought out loud. "Can you watch her?"

Cristina looked horrified.

"M-me?" she asked.

"Yes, _Aunty Cristina_, I would like _you_ to watch her!"

Cristina threw me the filthiest look as I snatched up my bag.

"I'm just going to get you something to make you feel a bit better," I told Charlotte. "Are you alright to hang here with Aunty Cristina?"

Charlotte nodded.

"Okay," she wrapped her arms around my neck.

I returned within half an hour to find Cristina and Charlotte playing hospital; Charlotte was the doctor however and Cristina was the patient. I started laughing as I walked into the lounge room.

"What are we playing?" I asked.

"Hopsicle!" Charlotte answered.

"Can I be a patient?" I questioned.

"Wait! Dr. Charlotte, what's your diagnosis?" Cristina asked.

"Heart attack!" Charlotte responded looking at me with wide eyes.

"Cristina!" I whispered; trying my hardest not to laugh.

Cristina shrugged.

"I had to give her something cardiothoracic!" she protested. "She may well grow up to be a surgeon one day...just like her f-a-k-e m-o-m-m-y!"

"Or respectively like her f-a-k-e d-a-d-d-y!" I laughed.

"Ugh Neuro turns me off!" Cristina frowned.

"Dr. Charlotte, I think I have a fever...do you think you should take my temperature? Then maybe I can take yours," I suggested.

Charlotte nodded.

"You have a cold Meredith! You need to stay in bed!" she told me.

I started laughing.

"Okay doctor, whatever you say!"

I carried her into the kitchen and gave her some Aspirin. About half an hour later I checked her temperature and it had subsided; I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

"Okay how are you feeling?" I asked.

Charlotte gave me a smile that indicated she was feeling a lot better.

"Where's daddy?" she asked.

"You mean Derek..." I corrected her.

"Yeah!" Charlotte answered.

"He's still at work sweetie," I told her.

Charlotte frowned.

"No he's not!"

Charlotte and I turned around to see Derek standing at the door. I looked at Charlotte and saw her eyes light up. She ran over to Derek and jumped up into his arms. Derek gave her a hug and put her down on a chair at the dining table.

"I thought you had a surgery this afternoon," I asked as I leaned in to kiss him.

"The guy coded while he was being prepped...they couldn't get him back," he sighed.

"Oh, I'm sorry you had a bad day," I said loosening the button on his shirt.

As surgeons sometimes a bad day doesn't even begin to describe it.

"Believe me, it doesn't even come close," he said cupping his hands around my face.

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked. "I can get Izzie to cook,"

"What makes you think that Izzie wants to cook?"

Derek and I turned around and saw Izzie walking through the door.

"Hey beautiful," she leaned down and kissed Charlotte on the forehead. It wasn't before too long that George walked through the door.

"Why is everyone home?" I asked.

"It seems that we have all exceeded our 80 hour work week," George answered.

I looked at them and didn't know whether or not to feel happy or suffocated. Breaking my silence, Charlotte spoke up.

"What's for dinner Auntie Izzie?"

Izzie smiled.

"Whatever you want sweetie," she answered.

"How about chippies and fishy hands?" Charlotte suggested.

"You mean fish fingers?" Izzie questioned.

"Yeah!" Charlotte replied.

Derek rolled his eyes jokingly.

"Great, we're deep sea creatures!" he laughed.

I started laughing.

"With that kind of appetite, we could be birds!" I laughed.

Everyone, including Cristina, sat down to eat dinner, but at some point or another, I had to realise that while I was enjoying this with everyone at home; moments like this can't exist in reality; or at least I believed so.

It was that night when I was going up to bed that I understood what it felt like to be in a situation where reality seemed pathetic compared to the fantasy image that literally lied before your eyes.

I walked into my bedroom to find Derek asleep; Charlotte was asleep with him, her arms rested around his neck and her head inches from his face on his pillow.

I went over and slowly crawled into bed. I felt myself believing in life once again; I knew nothing could make me feel better than this. No reality could compare to what I was feeling.


	14. Answered Prayers

Charlotte was still in bed that morning while I was up making breakfast and folding some laundry

Charlotte was still in bed that morning while I was up making breakfast and folding some laundry.

The phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello?"

A comforting voice sounded on the other end.

"Hey," came Derek's voice.

I smiled at the sound of him; even though it was only two hours after he left.

"Hey,"

"So I may be able to make it home for lunch," Derek told me.

"Lunch? Already?" I laughed. "I'm only just having breakfast!"

"Hmm, what is it this morning?" Derek laughed. "Cold pasta?"

I started laughing.

"No! I am trying to set an example thank you very much!" I told him with a giggle. "So I am having blueberry bagels with lots and lots of honey!"

"Great, give her a sugar hit before I get there, and then leave me to pick up the pieces!" Derek chuckled.

"Half the responsibility is half the trouble!" I replied. "Okay, so you're going to be home for lunch?"

"Yeah, around one I think," Derek answered.

"What time is it now?" I asked with a yawn.

"Around about nine thirty," Derek responded; he sounded equally as tired.

"Okay, well I'll see you then," I smiled to myself.

"Okay bye," Derek hung up the phone.

When I put the phone down on the bench I turned around to see Charlotte walking into the kitchen.

"Hey!" I said reaching down to pick her up. "What's wrong sweetie?" I asked as she wrapped her arms tightly around my neck.

"It hurts..." she murmured into my shoulder.

I pulled her back to look at her.

"What hurts sweetie?" I asked.

She pointed to her chest.

I felt a wave of panic strike my mind.

"Okay honey, we might just take you over to the hospital I think," I told her with every attempt to disguise my fearful tone. "Izzie!" I called out.

Izzie emerged from the bathroom.

"What's up?" she asked.

"I think I'm going to take her over to the hospital, she is saying that she hurts here," I pointed to my chest and gave Izzie a fearful look.

"Okay, I'll come!" she answered.

At the hospital I had Charlotte in a trauma room with Cristina performing an echo. Bailey had assigned Dr. Hahn to my case and Cristina was simply doing her job and being my best friend at the same time. Derek ran in looking horrified.

"Mer, what happened?" he cried.

I explained to him what Charlotte had told me, I also couldn't disguise just how terrified I was about what the echo was going to show in results.

Dr. Hahn emerged.

"Okay Dr. Grey let's see what we are looking at here," she said. She looked at the monitor and frowned. "Do you have any medical reports on her?"

I shook my head.

"W-what's wrong?"

"Well it seems she has had a first stage Norwood procedure... to um..." Dr. Hahn looked at me with sad eyes.

"N-Norwood?" I stammered. "You mean to correct Left Heart Syndrome?"

Dr. Hahn nodded.

"It doesn't look like it's enough though," she frowned. "Dr. Grey...Dr. Shepherd, we need to get her into surgery immediately,"

I looked at Derek with a terrified look.

"Okay," I answered. "Just do it!"

Derek gripped my hand.

"It's going to be okay," he whispered in my ear.

"No its not!" I snapped. I looked at him angrily. "You know the odds on HLHS! So, no, it isn't going to be okay!" I pushed passed him and sat up on the bed with Charlotte. I held her closely. "It's okay sweetie, I won't let anything happen to you,"

"Mommy..." she looked up at me with her sparkling blue eyes. "Please don't cry..." she said.

I felt tears escaping my eyes.

"Mommy's just scared," I told her. At this point I didn't care that I wasn't her mother, I just knew that it could be the last moments I spent with her.

"I'll be okay..." she told me.

I looked at her and studied every single detail of her face.

"I'll schedule her into an OR this afternoon," Dr. Hahn told us.

I nodded.

When the OR was booked, reality sank in; so I did what I could to make the most of the moments I had left with Charlotte; the little moments I believed I had left.

I grabbed the Polaroid camera out of one of the utility rooms and took it into Charlotte's room where I took photos of her; some with me, other's of her on her own.

Derek walked in.

"Hey," he kissed my forehead. He looked at Charlotte and felt his eyes well with tears. "Hey little princess!" he smiled at her bravely. He took the camera from my hands and pulled us both into his arms as he took a photo of the three of us.

It was late that afternoon that Charlotte was getting prepped for surgery. I sat next to her and held her hand. When Dr. Hahn emerged I felt tears slipping down my cheeks.

"Dr. Grey," Dr. Hahn said softly. "We'll try our best okay,"

I nodded and turned to look at Derek.

"You need to say goodbye Meredith," he told me.

I took a deep breath and went and sat with Charlotte as everyone except Derek left the room. I felt my throat closing in and my world shutting down around me.

"Charlotte..." I started to say; my voice was extremely wobbly.

Charlotte looked at me with wide eyes.

"I love you mommy," she whispered putting her arms.

I started to cry quietly as I held her close.

"I love _you_ sweetie," I told her.

Derek came over and with a shaky hand he pulled Charlotte up into his arms.

"When you come out, we're going to Disneyland," he told her. "I will take you and mommy to Disneyland and New York; and when we get back I will do everything I have to so that we can really be your mommy and daddy..." he promised.

"Daddy, can we really go to Disneyland?" Charlotte asked.

Derek nodded.

"So when you go into that room, don't be scared okay," he said softly. "Just remember when you wake up, we are going to Disneyland,"

I quickly wiped away my tears and sat with them. It was then that Dr. Hahn came in.

"Okay Charlotte, ready?" Dr. Hahn asked.

Charlotte nodded wearily.

Derek and I walked with her to the OR room entrance where I knew we couldn't go any further. I slowly let go of Charlotte's hand.

"See you soon princess," Derek whispered as he kissed her forehead.

"See you when you wake up sweetie," I tried to be brave.

Charlotte gave us a gentle wave as she went through the door.

I sat in the waiting room for a long time; wondering what was going on behind the doors; at this stage I didn't want to know. It wasn't until Dr. Hahn emerged that my heart sank.

She looked terrible; her face was white as a ghost and I knew what had happened.

"I..." she started to say as she choked on words. "Meredith...I'm so sorry..."

It was then I knew she was gone; my little girl... she didn't make it.

Cristina emerged; her face equally as sad and drained.

"Meredith..." she came to hold my arms.

I felt my whole body go into shock; I was numb and the pain was still there. I must have passed out because the next instance, I found myself in a trauma bay with a respirator attached to my face and a heart monitor on my vital signs.

I opened my eyes and saw Derek staring at me with red, tear strained eyes.

"W-what happened?" I asked.

"You had a panic attack when she went into the OR," Derek answered.

I looked at him confused.

"But she's..."

Derek took my hand.

"She made it Meredith..." he told me.

I felt myself choke on my tears.

"You mean..."

Derek nodded.

"She's alive," he smiled as tears of happiness streamed down his cheeks.

I started to cry.

"Oh my god, it was a dream..." I breathed.

Derek looked confused.

"Can I see her?" I asked.

Derek held my hand as I stood up out of the bed.

We walked together to the paediatrics ICU; I looked fearfully into the room where Charlotte was covered with tubes; a vision I am so used to, yet this all seemed so foreign to me. Derek squeezed my hand,

"Let's go see her..." he said softly.

I walked into the room and put my hand to her cheek, Derek noticed I was shaking.

"Mer..." he sighed. "She's alive..."

I nodded.

"I know," I answered. "I just thought... she'd look a little better..."

Derek looked at me.

"Meredith...you've seen patients out of surgery that look like this... you know what happens..."

"But I never thought it would be my little girl..." I answered.

Derek gripped my hand.

"_We _never thought it Meredith..." he said softly.

Charlotte opened her eyes.

"Mommy..." she said groggily.

"Oh, sweetie..." I cupped my hands around her face and kissed her forehead. "It's okay, we're here..."

"How are you feeling princess?" Derek asked.

"Can we still go to Disneyland?" Charlotte whispered.

I managed a smile and Derek chuckled.

"Of course," he leaned down and pulled me and Charlotte into his arms.

I looked at Charlotte and back at Derek.

"Just when I thought..." I whispered; clearly it was loud enough for Derek to hear me.

"Thought what?" he asked.

"That I was so close..." I told him. "I got it..."

Derek looked confused.

"My happily ever after..." I answered as I gripped his hand and held onto Charlotte.

Sometimes all we've got in life are moments; seconds to miss; but moments to gain. As surgeons we anticipate the seconds that were missed; lapsed time. But as humans all we can do is hope; hope that moments like this will last forever.


End file.
